A suburban mansion once home to NBA legend Michael Jordan is now available to rent on Airbnb, boasting seven bedrooms, 17.5 bathrooms, infinity pool, movie theater, cigar lounge, salon, full-size basketball court, and more, costing more than $100,000 for a…
LOS ANGELES—Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. “I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology…
CANYON LAKE, TX—Remarking that the 3-year-old didn’t even come close to stealing the show at a recent family wedding, witnesses reported Monday that they were unimpressed when a completely charmless flower girl walked directly down the aisle. “Sure, she did…
SAN DIEGO—Following a surprise restaurant raid Friday in which dozens of employees were taken into custody, witnesses reported that on top of everything else, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents responsible for the violent arrests had the gall to leave…
New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde has released Virgin, her fourth studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss identity, inspiration, and what’s next. The Onion: How has your music evolved as you’ve gotten older? Lorde: When I was…
Researchers in China claim that swarms of medical nano-robots the size of a speck of dust could someday be used to clean out infected human sinuses after successfully testing the technology in the nasal cavities of animals. What do you…
King Charles will retire the “royal train,” a private rail line established in 1840 to transport members of the royal family across Britain, in an attempt to modernize the monarchy and cut down on costs. What do you think? “I…
President Donald Trump’s budget megabill is in the House of Representatives after being narrowly passed by the Senate. Here are the key items in “The One Big Beautiful Bill Act.” Funding for something called “The Facility.” Smaller, phone booth–sized detention…
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CHICAGO—Emphasizing the constraints of God’s healing hands, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association found that the curative power of prayer was limited exclusively to genital warts. “Our data revealed that while people attempt…
