MADISON, WI—Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin stated Monday that they were no closer to uncovering where their friend Lisa Pullman finds…
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Taking a deep breath and straightening his back, Yo-Yo Ma finally worked up the courage to tell his parents that he was quitting cello, sources confirmed Friday. “Mom, Dad, this is it—I quit,” said Ma, who exhaled and then…
GENEVA—Saying frost-covered courts heralded a new direction for the sport, officials from the Geneva Open defended Monday their decision to hold a tennis tournament on ice. “The state-of-the-art ice courts at the Tennis Club de Genève will allow for more strategic…
The post Closeted Pride Parade Takes Place In Garage appeared first on The Onion. Source link
Nearly 150 people were jabbed with syringes during a street music festival in France, with authorities having arrested at least 12 suspects. What do you think? “This was bound to happen in a country overrun by free healthcare.” Chantelle Luna,…
LOS ANGELES—Coinciding with a spike in interest in cars and moving fast, a trend report published Friday by Edmunds Research confirmed that driving was surging in popularity thanks to Apple’s new film F1. “F1 has really pushed driving into the…
The post Zohran Mamdani: Some New Yorkers Say They Can Imagine Him With A Big Cape And Devil Horns appeared first on The Onion. Source link
Millions of Americans will celebrate Independence Day with fireworks this year, though the legality of the explosives varies throughout the country. The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning fireworks. PRO Kites can take their rightful place as sovereigns…
CHICAGO—With the fourth season of the hit FX show now streaming, viewers reportedly tuned into new episodes of The Bear Wednesday and watched a mutant Carmen Berzatto terrorize Chicago after falling into a vat of beef juice. “This year we…
ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. “It’s just wrong to…
