CHICAGO—With the fourth season of the hit FX show now streaming, viewers reportedly tuned into new episodes of The Bear Wednesday and watched a mutant Carmen Berzatto terrorize Chicago after falling into a vat of beef juice. “This year we…
ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. “It’s just wrong to…
GETTYSBURG, PA—Following a fourth chorus of “Kingdom Coming,” fellow participants sternly reminded local Civil War reenactor Christopher Geary that this was not his personal fife recital, frustrated sources confirmed Friday. “This is the Battle of Gettysburg, not the Christopher Geary…
WASHINGTON—Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. “Despite the lofty promises of…
Karate Kid actor and Cobra Kai star Martin Kove was asked to leave a fan convention after biting co-star Alicia Hannah-Kim so hard during a VIP meet-and-greet that he nearly drew blood, claiming that he “was being playful in the…
NEW YORK—Shaking a logo-emblazoned cap enticingly over his head, a defense attorney for Sean “Diddy” Combs’ reportedly tossed jurors Cîroc-branded swag during closing statements Thursday in the 55-year-old music mogul’s racketeering and sex-trafficking trial. “All right, who wants a free…
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Massaging their stiff shoulders and necks while remarking that they wish they’d known how good they had it when they were your age, slightly older sources reported Thursday that if you think your body feels bad now, just…
WOODBINE, NJ—Saying the man’s behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmed Thursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the…
Love Island USA is in the midst of its seventh season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the reality dating series. Q: What are the couples competing for? A: The forever-out-of-reach approval of a distant or absent…
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