BOCA RATON, FL—Sitting straight up in bed in a cold sweat as she struggled to shake the horrifying image from her mind, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly awoke from a nightmare Tuesday in which her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, won an…
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WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly contemplative as he fantasized about a stiff drink after a long day at work, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly wondered Monday whether uranium might make a good mixer. “I feel like it could bring out the more chemical…
The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy of The Onion that was sent to Congress. Bryce P. Tetraeder If you are reading this, you are likely either a member…
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An 80-year-old man has told police he was wrong to drive down Rome’s famed Spanish Steps after firefighters had to recover his vehicle from the landmark in the early morning hours. What do you think? “It’s fine to park there…
According to members of the team, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders received a 400% raise last season, with specific rates having not been released. What do you think? “The honor of dancing for Jerry Jones should be payment enough.” Arturo Perez,…
WASHINGTON—After weeks of eliminating what many lawmakers called “frivolous” and “unnecessary” provisions, Congress reportedly passed a blank bill Thursday in which President Donald Trump can simply write whatever law he wants. “Today we are sending to the president’s desk 200…
Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, one of Hollywood’s most talked-about couples, have been together for over two years. The Onion presents a timeline of the stars’ relationship. January 2023: Timothée Passes A Note to Kylie’s Publicist. April 2023: The couple…
ALTOONA, PA—Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life. “Can…
