48-Year-Old Rabbit Finally Finishes The Job
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Category Comedy
Britain Bans Puberty Blockers For Transgender Minors
The United Kingdom indefinitely banned new prescriptions of puberty blockers to treat minors for gender dysphoria, with the announcement coming soon after the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving similar state bans on transition-related care. What…
Pope Francis Decries Legal Head Shops Overrunning Vatican City
VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. “You can’t walk the colonnade without…
Mysterious Illness In Congo Kills Dozens
An unidentified disease with flu-like symptoms has killed dozens of people in the Democratic Republic of Congo, with unknown illness having led to the death of at least 79 people and sickened 376. What do you think? “Big deal, I’ve…
Arthritic Dog Limping Through Park Like AT-AT
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Surgeon General: ‘You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants’
WASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants.…
Chainsaw-Wielding Man Shot By Officers At Assisted Living Center
A man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted living facility with a chainsaw, with officers attempting to tase the man before eventually firing after he continued trying to attack others…
Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline
Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey’s career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man,…
Rand Paul Floats Elon Musk For House Speaker
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech billionaire helped torpedo a bipartisan agreement on a short-term spending bill, a move made possible by the fact that the Constitution does…
Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift
CHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his only…
