LEAWOOD, KS—Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excited Travis Kelce reportedly surprised girlfriend Taylor Swift Wednesday by handing a wrapped, football-shaped gift to the pop super star. “Here you go, babe,” said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end who watched eagerly as Swift regarded the…
An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they’d like to steal themselves. Have your packages…
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. “By signing this document, you are agreeing that you will…
LAS VEGAS—Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus’ sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags…
Scientists have for the first time created mouse stem cells from the genes of a single-celled life form, using these newly generated stem cells to help form a living, breathing mouse from a developing embryo. What do you think? “So…
Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys. 1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to…
Russian Lieutenant General Igor Kirillov, who was chief of Russia’s Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Troops, was killed outside a Moscow apartment building when a bomb hidden in an electric scooter went off, with Ukraine taking credit in the most…
Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee’s background. Marital Status: Third wife, 12th…
First lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community College, capping off over 40 years of teaching in both high school and community college classrooms. What do you think? “That’s okay.…
MILWAUKEE—Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend’s name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given to her by her boyfriend’s mom.…
