THE HEAVENS—Noting unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water, a legal ruling handed down by the Celestial Court on Tuesday ordered God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, to add a cancer warning to Earth. “The Creator of All Things has known for millennia that every continent causes cancer, and now He must put a caution label on the planet alerting consumers of the danger so they can make informed decisions about their health,” said legal scholar Randall Perkins, who explained that the warning would feature photos of ravaged landscapes and dying Earth residents to get the point across. “The Supreme Deity will face stiff legal fines if He fails to comply with the ruling’s provisions, which require the notice to warn that Earth should be avoided by pregnant women at all costs, and that children should never be in the planet’s vicinity. This is a step in the right direction, as even limited exposure to Earth has been linked to increased cancer risk. If you have to go there, it’s best to abstain from breathing the air.” At press time, the Eternal Kingdom’s Court of Appeals had overturned the ruling, determining that the addition of a cancer warning would inhibit Earth’s business interests.
