ITHACA, NY—Scoffing at the idea that the players would be able to properly honor their victory anywhere else, the owner of local tile store All Stone and Tile was reportedly offended Tuesday that the Little League baseball team he sponsored had celebrated its win at a pizza place instead. “So I guess we spent several hours setting aside all these tiles we know the kids would love for nothing, huh?” said owner Griffin Cronin, who launched into a diatribe against Sal’s Pizzeria, mocking the restaurant for using mortar instead of thinset between the checkered slabs decorating its dining area. “Apparently all we’re good for is paying for the jerseys, equipment, and field maintenance. The true loyalties of these 11-year-olds lie elsewhere, despite everything we’ve done for the brats. What do they want from us? To sell pizzas instead? Then we would be abandoning our core principles as a tile store, for crying out loud!” At press time, Cronin was wondering aloud if he might be the problem after learning the team sponsored by Alternatives Federal Credit Union happily had convened in the financial institution’s lobby to revel in its recent playoff victory.
