WASHINGTON—In response to the freezing of federal funds necessary to keep the essential grain operational for millions of Americans, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has, effective immediately, deactivated the nation’s corn for the remainder of the ongoing government shutdown. “Because of the Democrat Party’s reckless decision to shut down the government, we at the USDA no longer have the resources to keep our country’s corn up and running, and thus have no choice but to temporarily disable every kernel,” said Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, arguing that blame for the pain Americans would feel from being unable to feed their children popcorn, tortillas, and cornbread should fall squarely on congressional Democrats. “Please know that I get your frustration: I also have a whole fridge full of corn that doesn’t work. All of us hope that for the good of our farmers and the good of our country, Congress finds a way to work through this mess so the USDA can do its job of keeping the cobs running.” At press time, the Trump administration sparked outrage after quietly confirming that, even after the shutdown ends, most Americans would not be entitled to receive any back-corn.
