WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb speculation regarding the physical health of the commander-in-chief, Capt. Sean Barbabella, physician to the president and director of the White House Medical Unit, confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump has “far more bones” than any U.S. president on record. “Every time we examine the president’s body, we find more and more bones,” said Barbabella, assuring reporters that Trump remains strong due to the dozens of bones making up each of his arms, the 70-odd bones in his rib cage alone, and the hundreds of vertebrae composing his multiple, branching spines. “Without counting the partially developed bones in his stomach, the president’s skeleton contains easily the most bones we have ever observed in any individual holding elected office. The number of bones Donald Trump possesses is, in my medical opinion, easily north of a thousand. That is nearly six times as many bones as Joe Biden, who, in comparison, has a paltry number of very small bones. And not only are they plentiful, but the president’s bones are so abnormally dense and resilient that we expect them to endure long after the rest of us are gone, quite possibly becoming the last surviving record of human life on Earth.” In response to a question regarding rumors about the president’s declining cognitive health, Barbabella emphasized that Trump possesses several brains stacked neatly inside his skull.
